Conspiratorist, Extremist

The more I share my opinions and thoughts, the more self conscious I feel. My mind is always telling me how much of a conspiratorist and extremist I appear to be in other people’s minds. Off grid living? Natural birth? Veganism? Unmarried and pregnant? Pro unschooling?

My mind tries to convince me I’m a total weirdo and the worst part is I keep sharing how much of one I am. Have I no shame?!

While my mind has no issues with the way I live, it wants me to live in secrecy to protect me from feeling misunderstood and unwanted. It’s my default defense mechanism. I get it, mind. I appreciate it coming to my defense, but my mind and I have been working on facing our fears. One of our biggest ones is talking about what and how we think and feel.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

J.K. Rowling

I’ve been scared of being wrong or appearing crazy since my teenage years. It made me live my life in the very way the quote suggests. My cautiousness still causes me to overthink and over-analyze my every move so as to avoid failure or embarrassment. I dulled my ability to trust my intuition. I struggle daily with not filtering everything through my mind first. Whatever I feel I over-examine which means I lose my ability to be spontaneous and present in the moment. Then later on I go to mental war with myself. I beat myself up for not taking risks. I go over conversations I had with people to criticize every word I said.

Forward.

I don’t want to keep experiencing failure by default. This means I have to actively try not to think about other people disapproving of what I’m doing with my life. I thoroughly enjoy how I live for once. People pleasing is the reason I found deep unhappiness. I’d love to be the person everyone wants me to be. There’s still a part of me that would do it just to make people happy because I find my own happiness less significant.

But what kind of person would you be to allow me to continue pleasing you instead of me? That’s the tough question I ask to remind myself, that anyone who wants that from me doesn’t really know or care about me the way they think or feel they do. I sympathize because I don’t feel such intentions are inherently malicious. I find myself wanting to control my partner’s experiences at times because I think I know what’s best. Even if my way turns out to be right, it’s not about me and my projections; it’s his life to live.

For real, you get this one life though. My only rule is not to hurt anyone, that’s excluding certain feelings. Someone will always hate something I’m doing. If only we learn to redirect the unsolicited energy we give people to live how we want back to ourselves as a means to be more open minded.

  • Off grid living? I don’t wanna rely heavily on governments.
  • Natural birth? I want to reclaim my trust in my body.
  • Veganism? My body feels better and I help balance out the environmental impact of agriculture and ignorance.
  • Unmarried and pregnant? Marriage doesn’t necessarily stop a person from leaving you, even if you have kids.
  • Pro unschooling? Have you been to school, ever?

I’m going to keep writing and my mind will probably keep telling me to shut up. The only way to silence embedded fear is to unlearn it with repeated courage. So what if you think I’m a conspiratorist or extremist? Shxt, I judge people, too. Sharing sometimes makes me feel fear and shame, but when I’m not feeling regret about opening up, I feel really good about my decisions. I know I’m making an impact by making other “weirdos” feel more comfortable living their truth, so thanks for all the feedback so far!

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