I Don’t Want My Pre Pregnancy Body Back

I understand the sentiment and get what people are reaching for when they say they want their pre pregnancy body (PPB) back, but I don’t want mine back.

Past is Past

My PPB was amazing! I took for granted how well I typically felt until morning sickness took over. I also didn’t recognize how amazing I looked until after I compared my after pregnancy body to my PPB.

My partner took pictures of me when I wasn’t showing where, to me, I looked the perfect size. At the time, I saw so many damn flaws. My arms were a little too big and jiggly, my stomach wasn’t flat, and my thighs also jiggled with a side of cellulite – to name the three I always harassed. I didn’t appreciate the way I looked and felt until it was no longer available.

Not surprising that we tend to appreciate after the fact, after it’s gone. As much as I love my PPB now, I wouldn’t want it back. My PPB set the stage for an amazing pregnancy with no health complications throughout and that was the best way for it to end.

My pregnant body fully developed by 41 weeks. It went through new experiences and in the end succeeded in welcoming the most unimaginably perfectly adorable being I could ever desire to have! My PPB couldn’t have done half of what my pregnant one could do and that’s okay, too.

We’re highly dictated by the tattoos of traumas subconsciously imprinted into our bodies.

Our bodies are meant to transition under change, whether that’s shifting our eating, exercising more, or pregnancy. Our vessels are adaptable if we can allow our minds to guide the change our body desires and deserves. We’re highly dictated by the tattoos of traumas subconsciously imprinted into our bodies, traumas that hinder growth and change. Childbirth opened up many of my old wounds for healing. It’s believed we’re emotional after birth because the chemicals are misaligned from pregnancy, but it’s also because other pains reawaken, ones that never healed. Our bodies remember everything.

The Present is a Present

Yeah my post baby body ain’t what I want it to be, at least not yet. I remember how shocked and offput I felt seeing myself in a body I didn’t fully recognize. I didn’t have a mirror in my house for the last 2ish months of my pregnancy, puppy broke it, but we got another 2 weeks after pregnancy.

I expected a bulging and sagging belly, but I wasn’t quite ready for the decorative stretch marks and hyperpigmentation. I expected the weight gain, but didn’t consider the accompanying increased cellulite and hyperpigmentation on the back of my legs. Compared to other folks, that ain’t nothing, but it doesn’t make my feelings any less personally shocking and valid.

I don’t exactly look very sexy and attractive anymore, but at times I do feel I am. In some ways I’m borrowing confidence from my partner who feels I still got it. Sometimes when I’m in public and not holding the baby, I feel unjustly fat. When I’m carrying him it feels like a shield against shaming and an explanation for why I look this way. There’s some fear my body won’t ever be sensually and intimately all mine again, but, it’s not about a MILF status.

My body is now primarily for nourishing and giving comfort to my baby. For a few months (years?), I’m like a food bank, which I’ve made peace with because I want him to breastfeed for as long as he desires. And for a few years, my body will be one of his comfort places. In that time, I have to develop a new relationship with my body because I’m sharing it with him.

Expecting my body to get back to its pre pregnancy state by the suggested 6 weeks is a lot of pressure considering it took 9 months and **B I R T H** to change everything. It’s only been 2 months. I’m learning to stay open to my life being different. Different can be scary, sometimes it doesn’t feel good, but as with everything else in life, growth and knowledge spurs from difference and change.

My post baby body went through some shxt my pre pregnancy body couldn’t fathom. This body birthed life! It’s still surreal even though I went through it personally. I have to accept my body for what it is now, but I’m not satisfied moving forward. There are still many physical goals I want to accomplish. I’m a little scared I’ll keep feeling like my body is off, but mostly I’m excited to experience the capacity of a mom bod, one that went through creation and is still seeking to thrive.

I don’t want my pre pregnancy body back because pregnancy, birth, and my child was worth the exchange. I wanted to share pictures, but I’m not comfortable to just yet; work in progress and that’s cool too because no moms owe anyone a certain post pregnancy look.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s