The silhouette 👤, the darkness, the shadow of it all is that it isn’t always easy, fun, or beautiful to care for self, a new soul, and a partner plus the relationship dynamic between the three: motherhood, being a partner, and the son and father bond, plus how all three fits together as one.
Listen to the audio version of this post on Anchor!
Here’s to not glorifying relationships and parenthood. Both take work even if almost everybody isn’t out here telling you what that work looks like. It doesn’t feel great to broadcast the flaws of your relationship and parenthood. People will judge and be quick to say leave or offer suggestions, but it’s different for the person in the relationship. Most people give advice based off what they have experienced or imagined, not what you’re saying. Not to mention lots of things are easier said than done.
I’ve also learned I don’t really know what I’d do until I’m in the situation.
I’ve gone into my few relationships with unhealthy ideas about roles and responsibilities. I’m not quite sure I should have been anyone’s girlfriend. Why? I wasn’t really working on my silhouette, the deep side darkened by unsolved childhood and even grown folk type issues. I was and still sometimes default to a victim/helpless/I’m perfect perspective to wiggle out of doing anything about anything.
I don’t always wanna work on myself to this day because it sometimes feels like something is and will always be wrong with me (woe is actually victimized me). With that I must admit it isn’t fair to my partner or my son and worst, myself. My number one relationship advice is to actively work on yourself before getting into one! Find your sore spots and don’t hide from it. If you don’t want to check your shade, PLEASE I beg you not to engage in a relationship. Your partner, the one you claim to love, will most likely become collateral damage.
Motherhood has taught me I don’t need to earn love though I still sometimes act like I have to prove myself worthy. It’s ingrained in my personality under a couple of scabby layers. By simply existing you are deserving. You don’t ask a newborn to earn love, so why you? Because you made a few mistakes that means love is gone? There’s nothing my son could do that’ll ever stop my love (not to be confused with enabling toxicity).
Any love you can lose was always conditional.
I am by no means an expert, not even an expert in myself. I still make mistakes as of today, but part of my healing is to share and be more vulnerable. Vulnerability for me is talking about my insecurities, reminding myself of my imperfections not to shame myself, but to humilify.
I’m very smart, but I lack applying knowledge that becomes solidified wisdom, thus I get trapped in a cycle of victim/I’m perfect/I know it all. It’s freeing to put it out there, to say “this is my mess, still wanna be homies?”.
Most of all, a shoutout to my big, open hearted partner who doesn’t need to help me with any of this, but does umpteenth frustrating times. I still question if I’m deserving for reasons, but that’s another post.
Here’s to the dark side of the moon within us all.