I Am Enough

Snatching at the heels of every step I want to take is the demon of desire whispering I’m not good enough and how to be nice and pleasing at my expense in three uneasy steps. Continue reading or listen here.

  1. If I want something, consider if other people want it for me. If they don’t, don’t do it. If they do, do it.
  2. Aim only for choices that will make others (vicariously) pleased.
  3. If I can’t get it together for other people’s happiness, I’m not good enough. In fact, I’m selfish. See numbers 1 and 2 until there’s no #3.

If I am good enough for other people, my demon says, I will feel happy. When everyone around me is happy, my life will be abundantly joyful. Carebear living.

Yes, the happiness of others is infectious, but it’s still secondhand happiness. Not all hand-me-downs are wearable. Piggybacking appears to feel better than unapologetically doing my own thing. Yet I can’t help but wonder why choices affecting nothing but the ideas people have of me and how life should be lived takes foremost precedence. Maybe I gave up my power before I knew I had any.

I also can see sometimes it appears easier to use other people’s perception of me as a reason not to do something I want to do. If it goes well I can give myself all the hip-hip-hoorays, but if it veers into treacherous abysses, oh how easy to blame anyone but the doer of the deed (that’s me FYI). So I have the power, but it’s choosing not to believe I do. Or isn’t that how it works?

I intellectually understand it’s an illusion to be good enough for everyone. It’s actually insane to go on like this, but the freak in me persists on self-destruction. I clearly don’t innerstand it or I wouldn’t be thirstin’ for validation of 99 people (I ain’t one).

Should I comb through the dandruff of a past explaining the viral problem? Didn’t anyone teach me self validation and self enoughness as a child? Will you say whoever raised me did all the satanic numbers on me? Does knowledge of the root the beginning of solving the issue?

Nope! Knowing just pisses me off.

Really beneath the angered veneer, I’m deeply saddened by things I don’t want to have to change because why’d they have to happen in the first place? I’m unmotivated – no, intimidated by change. I mean, why can’t everyone else just change so I don’t have to?

“Everytime you try to change people, you procrastinate on changing yourself.”

Cheeno

Ugh, my partner is too smart sometimes. It’s sickening. Beneath the sick, I’m just marinating in not good enoughness for not being able to just change because I said so. Or maybe I don’t wanna because I feel entitled to be as I was ~molded, in hot fiery mess.

Except there are things I don’t like about myself. Some get changed more easily than others. Are the harder ones hard because they’re deeper? Or is there still something comforting I get from not doing a damn thing about a thing? I can want to change but also love the sick chaos of my lack thereof. I feel people change when they no longer benefit from the old behavior.

I also believe no one wants to lie for acceptance. For nefarious reasons such as good enoughness, we friggin’ do. No one wants to be accepted for a lie if the truth would be just as fabulous to tell. It’s Alcatraz crazy how we hate the very standards we hold people accountable to. Impress me or else feel envious about my fake impression.

I just wanna stand in the 2020 noon sunlight. I write because seeing/hearing the stories of vulnerability of people I know makes me want to be a better me. Here, learn at my expense. I’m paying it forward.

I don’t have a one size fits all answer, just an actual buttload of more questions all showing their butt cracks. And lots of trying to be open about my sometimes shitty thoughts as you just witnessed. Have fun digesting it out of your system; in contrast, it’s taking me years to. Or maybe your head sounds a little like mine.

I’m on that affirmation life (for about a week now) as one of my solutions. I feel the power of my words shaping my reality. For real. I figure there’s no harm in trying to believe I’m worthy and willing to accept myself. Every morning and throughout the day I repeat, I AM ENOUGH.

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