It’s around 4am when I wake up coughing. I want to ignore the disturbance and go back to sleep, but I hear my higher self telling me to get the hell up and drink water.
I bat away my usual thoughts that I’m dehydrated as I wiggle my arm from under my little one’s head. I marvel about how he’s growing up and most times I am in stilled awe. He grows more per month than I do in half a year. I really gotta fire more neurons or maybe hire some more, ha.
I look over at my unlawful husband quietly sleeping before I inch forward on our bed towards the front of our car.
I find the Mason jar, our cup, easily and drink the mouthful of water leftover from Cheeno brushing his teeth. I’m briefly annoyed he didn’t fill it up for a moment like this, then I tell myself to shut up.
I fill up the glass and sit to drink thinking it was raining, but the sprinklers were the culprit of the water on the passenger window. It’s also the reason for the noise I was hearing lightly beating on the car. I close the window in case water decides to splash in. It’s good to close it early anyway because around 5am, mosquitos seek us, particularly Zero.
I sit for a moment pondering briefly at the new happenings.
The parks are opening tomorrow and I just woke from a dream some Jamaican guy was chastising me for pushing my stroller on the wrong part of the park. He was inferring I was doing something wrong that could cause the park to close again. I laughed at him because I was just happy after several months a la ‘Rona, I could be at the park again.
I am also picturing our potential new land we saw yesterday. Today we plan to have the papers signed if all goes well. It’s going to be so much work, but I can feel the sense of reward already preinstalled in my bones.
I push backwards into bed. Cheeno’s arms are out and I nestle on them, but I realize I stayed up too long. Falling back asleep is going to be a trial. My mind wanders aimlessly until it comes across an answer I’ve been looking for since getting off social media.
I divorced social media for some time. I am no guru who made money on that honey, but I needed a break. This is the first time I deactivated all my accounts and even removed things like WhatsApp. I also stopped writing and this is my first piece since. I cut everything out because my voice and self was getting too entangled into everyone else’s. I wouldn’t say I was on it hours at end, but looking at people’s life stuff for even 15 minutes a day still adds up. But why?
The answer slithers to me quietly, softly. I hadn’t really been myself. I filtered. I curated. I withheld. Even the most open and most cautious of its users end up to an extend splicing the real self to fit the 2D avatar. It’s hard not to because comparison happens naturally. It’s supposed to help us survive and thrive, but since we don’t necessarily need to use that survival instinct (just like labeling), it’s turned against us. We compare lives and get a little or a lot lost in it.
I thought about going back, fully embracing sharing all myself, but that’s ridiculous. No one can do that. It’d be like making a copy of my life and digitalizing it. It would be so much work I’d end up ignoring the 3D life for the 2D. Time that should be spent living will be spent creating a duplicate.
Or I’d fall too deeply into the insta sleep by living life to solely create a digital persona for validation. That duplicate would never really be true to the original between strategic captions, tags, filters, and aesthetically soothing layouts. Social media is a business.
I also began thinking about algorithms.
ALL GOD’S RHYTHMS.
Are algorithms pretty much man’s attempt to create technology (which sounds like take-knowledge-(from)-ye/you) that mimics God’s rthymn?
Algorithms do seem to act all knowing at times, but that’s because we feed it info about ourselves. Those Facebook and Instagram ads sometimes are too spot on. Every third post, there it is tempting our attention to the wrong God.
When we pray or ask the universe for a thing, it conspires to give us that thing. Algorithms sometimes gets it right based on our habits and it’s creeper style web based omnipotence, but the real God always gets it right. It’s a decent attempt, but technology can never touch the infinity of the true (inner)god space.
When we spend time in the space of an inauthentic God, we naturally become insincere.
Of course I immediately wanted to post this revelation online. It feeds my ego to share something it feels is quite clever, but I’m working on taming that whole cycle by reminding myself this isn’t new knowledge. New to me, sure, but anyone could have and will discover this if the take a break from the wanna be web of God and tune into the real thang within.
It’s seemingly isn’t all fun sitting around only listening to your own voice, but if we can be friends with our demons and vices, too, we’ll only be helping ourself. I’m still a spiritual noob, but truly we’re spiritual beings having a in human experience, as they say, meaning it’s all there waiting for a 4am wake up revelation. The truest things about life aren’t found in self help books or through gurus and psychologists. Of course that can be helpful, but experiencing it is lifelong, unforgettable, God rhythm based wisdom.
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